Jokes For a New Normal

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Sep 4

Jokes for Spetember 4, 2013

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Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt says he will retire after the 2016 Olympics.  It will mark the end of an incredible career that lasted about 50 cumulative seconds.

According to Forbes magazine, Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on TV.  Leave it to those capitalists at Forbes to be the only guys staring at her bank account.

In a sharp reversal of rhetoric, the new Iranian president sent a tweet wishing all Jews a “blessed Rosh Hashanah.”  Which is basically the equivalent of Anthony Weiner tweeting a picture of himself fully clothed and embracing his wife. 
      

Jack Nicholson has reportedly retired from acting due to memory loss.  You could tell it was serious after he expressed how excited he was for the new Laker season to begin.    

The next version of Android will be named KitKat — in honor of the candy bar developers munched on while they were creating it.  If this keeps up, in just a few years we may all be downloading the Android Slim-Fast.

   

Russian President Vladimir Putin says allegations that Syria attacked rebel forces with chemical weapons in “ludicrous.”  And Putin would know—he once waged chemical warfare by simply breathing on his enemies.

    

George Zimmerman was ticketed for speeding today in central Florida.  He tried to talk his way out of it, but there are just certain crimes that Florida takes seriously.