Jokes For a New Normal

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Jokes for January 15, 2014

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The Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw signed a new contract that gives him the highest average salary in baseball, topping Alex Rodriguez.  But don’t feel bad for A-Rod; he still has the highest testosterone count in the league. 

A new poll says that 70% of Americans have not changed their opinion of Governor Christie following the bridge-closure scandal.  Americans really only start to care when there’s an intern-opening scandal. 

 A new study shows that consuming 2.5 alcoholic drinks per day can accelerate memory loss by up to 6 years.  Or something like that.

Michelle Obama says that women should feel free to get plastic surgery if it makes them feel good.  And the First Lady said she’s not opposed to men getting ear reduction surgery…

A New Hampshire college student recently spent 100 days dancing across China.  Then he finally just hit a brick wall.

Jokes for January 14, 2014

Governor Christie delivered his State of the State speech today, which lasted 45 minutes.  Some media outlets tried to circulate a summary of the address, but Christie blocked use of the abridged version. 

And in yet another potential scandal, Christie is now being accused of improperly using disaster relief funds to produce tourism ads that starred him and his family.  It’s a misuse of funds because all ads of Christie have to be at least billboard sized.   

The Florida man who shot a movie-goer for texting during the previews was hoping to defend himself by invoking the state’s “stand-your-ground” law.  Even George Zimmerman was like, “Dude you gotta be kidding me.”

Southwest Airlines is launching a full investigation into how two of their pilots landed a plane at the wrong airport.  Yet when our luggage mysteriously ends up at the wrong place, it’s just business as usual.

Justin Bieber’s reputation took another hit today after police found illegal drugs in his home.  It should be a strong reminder to kids to “just say no” to Justin Bieber.

Fox is planning to make a movie based on the card game “Magic: The Gathering”.  When the film releases, it will finally give Magic fans a second option of something to do on Friday night.

Jokes for October 25, 2013

President Obama is promising that the Healthcare.gov website will be fixed by the end of November. Which means that by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, Republicans could have a lot less to be thankful for.

An NC-17 rating was given to “Blue is the Warmest Colour,” which won the Cannes Film Festival’s Palme D’or. The rating could also help the film win the palm d’teenage boy.

Football great Brett Favre says that he has been suffering from memory loss. For example, he only remembers retiring once.

According to a recent poll, men are more likely to form relationships with women who wear red on the first date. And they have an even greater chance of forming relationships with women who take off the red on the first date.

A university in London awarded a business degree to a dog. Numerous companies are interested in hiring him, and have already started the vetting process.

The Ohio State marching band paid tribute to Michael Jackson during a halftime show. They played his songs, performed the moonwalk, and gradually changed their uniforms from black to white.

Jokes for October 14, 2013

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We’ve now entered Week 3 of the government shutdown.  It’s always the bad things that we’re good at holding on to; if this were a diet or a New Year’s Resolution, we’d have given up by now. 

Three Americans were awarded the Nobel Prize for their studies in economics.  That’s good timing, because it might be the last year that Americans have an economy to study.

A glitch in the nation’s welfare system allowed some residents in Louisiana to spend without limitation, leading them to literally clear the shelves at Walmart.  These Louisianans will now refer to Christmas morning as “almost as good as the day that we literally cleared the shelves at Walmart.”

A pumpkin weighing almost 2,000 pounds won the 40th annual World Pumpkin Weigh-Off.  It’s also the one pumpkin that could be used in a carving contest to make an at-scale likeness of Chris Christie.

An elementary school janitor was fired after she paid two fourth-graders to beat up a fellow classmate.  It’s so like a janitor to hire others to do their dirty work.   

Jokes for October 10, 2013

Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was sentenced to 28 years for charges of racketeering, bribery, extortion, and tax fraud.  Or as they’re known on Wall Street, most weekdays before lunch. 

There’s some controversy surrounding a billboard in Texas that depicts Jesus covered in tattoos.  Specifically, he’s got a bunch of tribal tats, which even in 33 A.D. were considered really played-out.

Scientists have discovered a way to detect early signs of Alzheimer’s by testing whether or not a person can recognize the smell of peanut butter.  Which begs the question, “Where the hell where you on that one, George Washington Carver?”

At Princeton University, the sound of a hammer led to reports of gunshots and a partial campus shutdown.  It was the closest and scariest encounter that Princeton kids have had with manual labor.

A county in California passed an ordinance that requires 3,000 dogs to be spayed or neutered.  It’s being seen as a monumental achievement for the county supervisor, Bob Barker. 

Oct 9

Jokes for October 9, 2013

The ACLU has come out in favor of outfitting cops with small body cameras to record their interactions with criminals.  In the meantime, if you want to see 24-hour footage of people maliciously damaging society, just turn on CSPAN.    

Today was the ninth day of the shutdown, and a random citizen voluntarily mowed the lawn at the Lincoln Memorial.  It’s a bad sign when your government can be run more effectively by somebody mimicking Forest Gump.     

A recent report claims that Bill Clinton occasionally cheats on his vegan diet.  At least this time around, he won’t go on trial for enjoying a cow.

A middle school in NY has banned children from playing with most types of balls during recess.  Instead, there will be safer alternatives like basket-weaving, foot-massaging, and base-ment organizing. 

A Florida man was arrested for masturbating while going through a McDonald’s drive-thru window.  The man said he will never again do something as demoralizing as getting McDonald’s.

Oct 7

Jokes for October 7, 2013

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There has been mounting pressure recently for the Washington Redskins to change their name to something less offensive.  It’s hoped that soon, the team will simply be known as the Redskins. 

The government shutdown has now entered its second week.  We’re still in the honeymoon phase, with 800,000 federal workers staying in bed all day long.

California Governor Jerry Brown vetoed a bill that would have allowed illegal immigrants to serve on juries.  Or as the immigrants put it, “Well that was much easier than trying to claim we’re racist.”

New research shows that early humans used primitive toothpicks for oral hygiene.  And naturally, they would lie to their dentists about picking twice a day. 

Buzz Aldrin says “Gravity” was an accurate portrayal of what it’s like in space.  But if you want to actually feel the sensation of being surrounded by nothingness, you can still go see “The Lone Ranger.”

Jokes for September 17, 2013

Nina Davuluri became the first woman of Indian descent to win the Miss America beauty pageant.  It goes to show that people of all races can excel at being born.

According to a new poll, Governor Chris Christie is the current front-runner for the Republic presidential nomination.  It marks the first time we’ve seen Christie and the word “runner” in the same sentence.
       

A Google Maps street view car was involved in three accidents in one day.  With that many crashes, you’d think it was a Microsoft car. 

A study conducted by the Swedish National Food Agency confirmed rumors that anal secretions from beavers can be used to create vanilla flavoring.  The study also confirmed that Swedes have far too much time on their hands.

According to a new survey, 20% of high school seniors binge drink on a regular basis.  But given school performance levels these days, it was seen as a positive sign that 80% can at least pass a field sobriety test.        

Jokes for September 11, 2013

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A group of historians were recently asked to grade Barack Obama’s presidency, and settled on a B minus.  What’s worse, some think he’s only there in the first place because of affirmative action.

A story in “Sports Illustrated” accuses the Oklahoma State football program of giving their players money, sex and drugs.  Said the team’s coaches, “Well yah—we told our players we’d prepare them for the NFL.” 

K-Mart started running Christmas ads on Monday.  But if you hold off for a week, you can make it your New Year’s resolution to not buy your Christmas gifts at K-Mart.

A new study shows that men who are more nurturing fathers tend to have smaller testicles.  Which forces women to choose between a man who’s a good father or a man who’s a good husband.

A federal judge in New York has ruled that strippers deserve to be paid the minimum wage.  And now the circuit court of appeals is begging to review all of the evidence.   

Sep 4

Jokes for Spetember 4, 2013

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Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt says he will retire after the 2016 Olympics.  It will mark the end of an incredible career that lasted about 50 cumulative seconds.

According to Forbes magazine, Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on TV.  Leave it to those capitalists at Forbes to be the only guys staring at her bank account.

In a sharp reversal of rhetoric, the new Iranian president sent a tweet wishing all Jews a “blessed Rosh Hashanah.”  Which is basically the equivalent of Anthony Weiner tweeting a picture of himself fully clothed and embracing his wife. 
      

Jack Nicholson has reportedly retired from acting due to memory loss.  You could tell it was serious after he expressed how excited he was for the new Laker season to begin.    

The next version of Android will be named KitKat — in honor of the candy bar developers munched on while they were creating it.  If this keeps up, in just a few years we may all be downloading the Android Slim-Fast.

   

Russian President Vladimir Putin says allegations that Syria attacked rebel forces with chemical weapons in “ludicrous.”  And Putin would know—he once waged chemical warfare by simply breathing on his enemies.

    

George Zimmerman was ticketed for speeding today in central Florida.  He tried to talk his way out of it, but there are just certain crimes that Florida takes seriously.